The End of the Season(s)

Hello, dearies. So with Scream being inexorably pushed back to the dark recesses of the end of the universe, I decided my adoring public (and you guys! Narf!) deserved some new material of some sort. So, allow me to present, my annual Christmas poem! After all, Christmas is nothing if not annual...

The End of the Season

He's making a list, he's having a think
Fetch me my gin, I feel like a drink
Santa's the man the children all thank
But take it from me, dear...
Santa's a skank

I've hung decorations, I've sung with the choirs
I've done all the things that tradition requires
I don't want to seem like the Christmastime crank
But take it from me, guy...
Santa's a skank

I know I should tolerate all Santa's flaws
Obese and intrusive is our Mr. Claus
Put turps in his whiskey - a seasonal prank!
I laughed my two eyes out...
Santa's a skank!

Merry Christmas everyone!

The TimboChris Files: The True Story Behind Scream - Part I

As you can see, no other than Chris Cornell himself is now writting in our blog. We are very pleased with his participation in this little project (of Saving Chris Cornell). But the best part of having Chris with us now, other than those eloquent blogs he writes, is that we now have an exclusively insight to some behind the scenes stories from Scream, coming from Chris himself, who was kind enought to share these stories with us. Forget everything you read about Scream in the media, this is what actually happened.

Part I - How the Scream project really came about

It all started with a simple phone call between CC and Timbaland. We are not really sure why Chris called Timbaland. It seems that he was forced to do it, but he refuses to tell us who made him do the call. Anyway, this was the conversation that followed:


CC: Yo Tim!

Timbaland:Errr, who's this?

CC: It's me, Chris

Timbaland: Chris who?

CC: Chris Cornell!

Timbaland: I'm sorry... Chris who?

CC: Cornell! From Audioslave, Soundgarden, Temple...

Timbaland: Errrrr....

CC: I wrote Black Hole Sun! You know...

*CC starts singing*

Black Hole Sun, won't you cooooomeeee!!

Timbaland: Ah, yeah, of course, rock, grunge, Seattle, Ozzfest... right?

CC: Yeah

Timbaland: So, what you want, man? I'm very busy

CC: I need some career advice dude, my last solo album tanked and...

*Timbaland interrupts*

Timbaland: Listen bro, I charge for the hour on career advice, it's very expensive, but I'm worth it! Are you sure you can afford it?

CC: Yeah, I'm rich dude

Timbaland: OK, it's 7:15, I'm keeping track of time... GO!

CC: So, my last album was failure and I want to be popular again, you know, popular with the kidz, sell ringtones and stuff...

Timbaland: Sure, sure! I think that this tired grunge sound needs help and...

CC: Dude, what are you talking about? Grunge is dead since 1994...

Timbaland: What you mean? What about those bands, Nickelback and stuff, and those kids who go to Ozzfest, isn't that grunge?

CC: No...listen, I'm paying for this, can we go back to the subject?

Timbaland: OK, listen, I've got some Timberlake b-sides lying around somewhere

CC: Do you think that would work?

Timbaland: Of course dude! Do you know who are you talking to? I'm the king man... I'm like a composer and stuff, I'm a genius!

CC: Sure, sure, go ahead...

Timbaland: So, I produce your next album, but you won't have to write anything, we'll use those Timberlake b-sides... And I have a whole team of songwriters,
there are like 50 of them, so you won't need to worry about it. Just sing.

CC: OK

Timbaland: Then, what we do is market it like it's the 21st century version of Pink Floyd's Dark Side Of The Moon, very groundbreaking stuff, so the rock fans
will eat it...are you following me?

CC: Yeah...

Timbaland: You'll sell your soul... errr... I mean, you'll sign a contract with my label, and we'll do this!

CC: OK, I'm in!

Timbaland: Great, my lawyer will call you soon, there will be some contractual obligations that go along with this..

CC: Like what?

Timbaland: Like, every time you mention me in a interview, you'll have to call me a genius, OK?

CC: Ok...

Timbaland: You won't regret it, this album is gonna sell millions!!

CC: Great! So, how much is this gonna cost me?

Timbaland: Are you sitting down?

OWNED!

EDIT: and owned again!

The Worm

Chris’s newest solo effort, Scream, is being touted as one long piece of music. Why do I keep picturing one long ugly slithering earthworm?

First, marketing Scream as an album-orientated “masterpiece” just feels slimy. The consistent Pink Floyd comparisons have to stop. Chris’s gameplan must be say Pink Floyd as often as possible so some stoners that smoked way too much dope listening to "dark side of the moon" might believe it or Chris’s new teen fan-base will just hear "Pink" and want to get the party started. I’m closer to the first group, but didn’t kill enough brain cells to digest that comparison even during the worst munchies. Sorry Chris, nice try but you’re wasting what is left of your credibility.

Next, the message is muddy. Chris and Timbaland each have said they wrote quickly, discarded some (I wonder how bad the crap must have been that was mercifully left behind), and then “composed” musical interludes to combined these songs into one continuous piece (of ....... - fill in the blank). Chris said in a recent interview that the songs are not lyrically connected – just musically. That was a big relief, because I could stop trying to decipher how the long gone bitch was pickin it up and screamin at the crazy driver at ground zero. Now I can just ponder how you musically compose symphonic songs together without real instruments. Timbaland probably throws in some beat-based ka-chings.

But if this work is supposed to be listened to in its entirety, how come we keep hearing bits on the internet, commercials, and TV shows? Half the album has been put out in as singles. It is only an old- wives’ tale that if you chop up an earthworm, each separate part survives on its own. What really happens is all the little pieces shrivel up and die. By slowly seeping out these songs, these musical masterminds are murdering their own concept bit by bloody bit. Make up your mind boys – singles or album?

Or maybe it’s shelf. With how scream has done so far, I’m thinking the rest of Scream is going to stay burrowed down in a hole for a while. Maybe one rainy day it will come to the surface... but before it has a chance to make your skin crawl, it will probably to be squashed. No one will even remember to scream “watch out” or “pick it up” because that bait died on the hook months before the fishing rod was cast.

The one encouraging wormy thought I can squirm out of this bad metaphor is while worms ingest manure and combined it with intestinal fluids, the shit they secrete out eventually becomes fertile soil. Dig deep Chris, find your roots and cultivate something organic and fresh again. Fans are hungry for it.

Dig Dumb Excuses - A Chris Cornell Blog

As I travel between cities on this whirlwind Scream tour, I often find time to peruse the interwebs on the Verizon tour bus (it has a funny picture of a phone doing a rude gesture drawn on the floor, the bathroom door handle is shaped like a phone, and also the bus driver dresses up like a phone). Over the last few months, I’ve noticed a few topics come up time and time again… Special enlargements, massive Nigerian inheritances, and to a lesser extent, the constant delays of the release of my excellent new album, Scream. So: to clear things up, I’ll try to explain things here, in my “official” “blog”!

I could try to lie to you darling people and say that it’s the record company being skanks, or that there’s a massive CD shortage, or that the printing machines - inexplicably - refuse to print my lyrics for the booklets, and make distressing hisses whenever we try. But I’m not going to fob you off like that… I wouldn’t dare lie to my adoring, confused fans out there. So here’s the real story.

My albums are, right now, being kept in a secret warehouse, guarded by two Alsations named “Preppy” and “Dog 43”. And every day, myself and Vicky sit down, and listen to another one of those CDs, to make sure that each one is as beautiful and magical as the one that came before it. We simply appreciate these records on a level that we don’t think the public at large is ready to… yet.

But come Septobuary 2012, you people are in for a real treat.


EDIT: Tim has just informed me that the CD shortage story was more plausible, so that’s what we’re going with. No CDs.

Scream is ultramega, okay? - A Chris Cornell blog

Hello lovelies! This is Chris Cornell - multi-millionaire rock god with the self-esteem of a late-developing 17 year old girl. And, much like that 17 year old girl, I really love that hippety-hop, which is why I looked to Timbaland when it came to making my latest record/saving my solo career. Unfortunately, as you can see, my fans haven't taken too kindly to it, so I'm going on the road to tour the material. I'm sure once the fans see the music live, they'll understand that I'm still the grunge icon they know and love - just singing slightly outdated production line r'n'b. Old meets old - it's the wave of the future!

Unfortunately, my tour got off to a rough start last night. It wasn't even so much that the crowd didn't get behind the music... It seems the "Scream tour" had people confused, and they all came dressed as serial killers in funny masks. This wasn't so bad - I even tried playing along by brutally murdering three people. I then tried playing it off as a clever pastiche of the modern horror movie, but the crowd just kind of wept, and Yogi called the police.

Chris Cornell's Chinese Democracy

Could Chris Cornell’s 3rd solo project be the next Chinese Democracy? It’s damn laughable alone that the actual Chinese Democracy was released before Scream. It was March 08 when we were told that the “TimboCorn” collaboration was in the mixing stages and it was “too good” to hold back. Yet the standard-bearer joke of all times for musical delays made it to the market first, while it’s now Tim’s proclamation that his “new artist” would release his “best work” within a month which makes us chuckle today.

Yes folks, it’s been so long that it seems like a childhood nightmare, since Chris and Tim produced some shock value on Ryan Seacrest’s show by declaring “Chris would be the first Rockstar in da club” and “it will be everyone’s favorite album of the year”. Instead, the year will pass with Scream silent on a shelf and the clubs playin Britney - same as it ever was.

It’s not like they haven’t tried... 6 songs have been released (See “music driven by money deserves to fail” blog), the whole album has been played live on a promo tour, some songs are featured in popular TV shows, but none of that “buzz” seems to have motivated anyone to get Scream to an actual store. Instead, it put everyone to sleep and the record exec’s keep hitting the snooze button.

Besides the wait, there are other Chinese Democracy comparisons to make:
· Axl proclaimed “It’s a very complex record, I’m trying to do something different. Some of the arrangements are kind of like Queen” Sound Familiar? Because Cornell hopped that train too “It not like anything I’ve done before” and you guessed it... went on to compare it Queen’s “A Night at the Opera”.
· Axl disappointed some fans by canceling some live performances to complete his masterpiece; Chris blew off Europe this summer for similarly confusing reasons.
· Axl debuted a single at the 2002 VMA’s only to be panned and ridiculed; while Chris’s cringe-worthy performance flopped at the Fashion Rocks Tragedy.
· Axl collaborated with many writers and Chris’s “solo” album credits 8 other writers other than himself (last I counted). It took 5 musical geniuses to write that “Part of Me” crap which essentially repeats the generic misogynic lyric “that bitch ain’t a part of me” a thousand mind-numbing times.

Scream has been finished since Chris and Tim’s put in their 6 weeks of hard work. With the latest announcement, Scream was pushed back again to March, a full year since the announcement it would be a month. No one seems surprised, actually no one seems to care, oh except for the pushy street team, who are just so happy that Chris will be able to enjoy the holidays he deserves (and not have to worry about those annoying sales). For the rest of us, it is going to take more than a free Dr. Pepper to purchase this disasterpiece when it sees the light of day, if it sees the light of day.

"Music driven by money deserves to fail"

If you are a Chris Cornell fan, and unless you've been living under a rock for the past 6 months, you already heard about his not so new vomit inducing project: Scream, produced by Timbaland. The album is not out yet and the release date seems to be getting permanently postponed (gee, I wonder why?). But interestingly enough, there have been 6 singles released already (that's right, 6!), despite the fact that the album was pushed back until February. I mean, if that little song snippet that appeared on a Verizon commercial back in June wasn't enough to sense the sign of the apocalypse, we have now 6 full songs allowing us to have a pretty strong opinion on this album without needing to wait for it to be released (if that's ever gonna happen). So this post is directed to those who have been living under a rock or haven't had the displeasure of listening to all those glorious Scream singles (all 6 of them!). I shall present you with links to hear those songs... but with a little twist. I'm gonna put the links on this excerpt from a 1992 interview, where Chris Cornell said some prophetic (and now tremendously ironic) words:

"And believe me," Chris adds, "this industry needed a slap in the face because it should never have been allowed to produce so much commercially contrived music in the first place. Music driven by money deserves to fail. Somehow people have managed to create a production standard that makes everything sound inhuman and horrible. The bands that are now bustin' through have records that sound like they've been made by human beings. I believe anything formulaic will eventually be recognised as that, which is good news for the likes of Perry Farrell and Kurt Cobain, who despite their success, refuse to allow people to put anchors around them."

So there you have it!

Disclaimer: If you choose to follow the above links, the Save Chris Cornell Team is not responsible for the potencial side effects that the hearing of these songs may cause: nausea, headache, projectile vomit, sudden need to kill puppies and setting Soundgarden records on fire.

Go on and Save Yourself.....

Like the immigrants that found their way to New York Harbor, many Chris Cornell fans find themselves in need of a new home. What we are escaping from is not as serious as a potato famine ... but we have experienced a serious “fun famine”. I know this is going to sound like a bad movie plot... but our old home, chriscornell.com, has been taken over by zombie schoolmarms. Our knuckles have rapped many times, but not enough that we can’t raise our middle finger and giggle.

The place where we could laugh, poke fun, or (God forbid) offer critique with fellow Chris Cornell fans is gone. Mother Hen’s been put in charge and just won’t have any funny business whatsoever anymore. We have been told we are guests in someone else’s home and we best behave. “Type like you would to your grandmother” was one “useful” tip. What the F%#*? If you don’t tow the line, you can expect your words will be: 1. scolded 2. “helpfully” altered 3. simply swept away. Unless you have really riled some feathers... then you’re kicked out and they bolt the door shut behind you. The message is loud and clear: “Go play somewhere else!”

And so we are (who says we couldn’t take a hint). It turns out that some Chris Cornell fans are a boisterous bunch. We have opinions, sense of humors and like to shoot the shit. Image that? Fans of a Rock musician feeling rebellious! We have managed some passing grins on other sites and even snuck some past the finger-wagging guard at chriscornell.com, but it is time to break “out of exile” and create a community of our own.

We are creating a space for free thoughts on Saving Chris Cornell. We welcome other fans that have been shushed or chased away. You can email us to submit blogs if you remember how to laugh and can identify satire. And please comment away on what we’ve got to say. You can save your p’s & q’s for grandma and let it rip with us. Give us your censored, your disgusted, your banned fans yearning to hear good music.

The blog guidelines: This site should be a welcoming and positive place to discover and share information about Saving Chris Cornell. Comments which ignore the following will be removed. Such users will not be permitted to open new accounts under further aliases (such as GottinHemel). Your cooperation is required.

1. Trolling won't be tolerated. Keep criticism constructive. It's fine to discuss what we want, but this is a Saving Chris Cornell fan blog - streetteam elsewhere.


2. No killjoys or people who take themselves too seriously. Agree to have a sense of humor, or take your argument to chriscornell.com.


3. Chris Cornell's private life and those of his family and colleagues are up for discussion or speculation if you think it can help our cause.


4. No posts of a threatening, violent, racist or obscene nature. Hating Timbaland is OK.


5. Respect ALL artists' copyright. No illegal download links. Live boots (no buying or selling) and YouTube links are OK.


6. Only one screen name/account is allowed per individual; posting under anonymous/proxy IP addresses is not permitted unless of course, you're us! We can have as many as we like! ST members, we'll know who you are!


7. You can be assured that the Save Chris Cornell Team will at no time watch what you are doing at other sites, post your real name on a public forum, make public comments about your sex life (or lack of) or subject you to our wrath in other way. We honestly don't give a shit what you do when you're not here.


8. There will be no "streetteaming" allowed under any circumstances at this site. Should you choose to subject those of us at this site to it, we will give out your e-mail address to everyone we know and have them endlessly "Rick Roll" you.

The Save Chris Cornell Team

P.S. Dear Grandma, Scream Sucks